it was a sad story, and one I wish him the best of luck with, one I wish could end happily for him.

but I'm fucking happy its not in person, I don't want him to seen me cry and get out of whack. I'm good typing teary eyed a  good 30 miles away.


it is a sad story TRUE I do want it to end to end happy, I want him to have the girl! RELUCTANTLY BUT TRUE and I want him to be happy because hes my friend TRUE

but I'm just happy it wasnt in person, as officially his friend and nothing more I dont want to be seen crying and weak. what kind of friend is that. it would have been awkward. because he was upset for one vaild reason and me upset with another.

just let me say. I knew it would be like this, I'm so silly. a sorry little virgin, with a big mouth and bad makeup-why on this green earth would he want me. but for the first time ever....EV FUCKING ER



I liked the man, NOT the idea
but now its just another fifth of november

so I'm kinda emotionally frantic, IN ALL OTHER ASPECTS OF LIFE I MAY NOT BE 100% GREAT BUT ITS ALL BETTER THAN THIS


Why do I kid myself? seriously?  is it really to be in this world that some girls who are just gross, who look like haggard and doughy like a mother of 6 before they even have the idea of getting pregnant get a boyfriend. silly little girls who are hyper-sexed up and fall easily for gimmicks they get a boyfriend.  why me?  who l am kidding? why do I do I bother?

I've made mistakes in the past, confusing my want for the idea and not the man.

if you look at a couple kissy facing in a swank restaurant and you think "gee it would be nice if someone took me here and did that with me"
you want the idea. if you see someone and you think I would love to be near them, you want the man/woman/llama/idk



I want him near me. I laid in the bed today he came and he laid with me hand on my hand arm around me. AND I LOVED IT. if time wanted to gimp out and just stop at that moment, that would have just been alright with me.

Its not the idea. V FOR VENDETTTA was fucking right..... "But you cannot kiss an idea, cannot touch it or hold it" but you can with the man


its the second time joking and laughing with him. I like him for real

I sound like a child
l sound like a spaz
I'm a idiot

I'm nuts

I'm delusional


-sorry for the bad vibes
..........................
there was no correction
............................

there is no correction so there is agreeing

if you say 2+2 is 5 and I DO NOT CORRECT YOU doesn't that mean I agree?
wouldn't I stop you and clarify with you that I dint agree with the fact that you said it?
especially if I'm straight fucking forward


I'm kinda just sitting here watching spiders cast their lines to him, and while warthogs flirt mindlessly

I think from this point on I would love to be a old maid who does nothing but collects puppies and tequila bottles






IM NOT FAKING ANYTHING-IM PRETTY BECAUSE IM PRETTY I DONT WEAR SPECIAL OUTFITS FOR ANYONE
I AM ME AND I'M JUST NATURALLY FASHION INCLINED STOP TEASING ME EVERYONE

I wanna be near you and I have this feeling that you're like ewwwwwww or dummy got the wrong idea.
I dint want goats, panthers, pandas, wolves, bears, or anything else

just pass me my old maid badge and hit me with a shot of tequila and lime please

I'm soooo fricken sick, its ridiculous, I'm trying to hold down the meds I just took. and I've been coughing up flem like a endless fountain.

any ways. So I've been talking to "him" and we exchanged knowledge that he's been starring at my cheast and I've been starring at his ass.

but I was told not to say a word of this to heza........I won't but my question is why?

so I talked to nick yesterday.....and I gave him my number again. I kinda feel weird about it.
I remember a nicer more patient man, but talking to him makes me wonder some things in the back of my mind

I'm a very changed person now. I drink, I love, I do anything for the sake of art, and I don't hold anything back regardless of how it makes others feel.
I used to adore him dearly, but I feel rushed when I speak to him.

hmmm only time will tell if I've done something dizzy


on another note I dreamt of manda and I going to eat cupcakes at a really fancy resteraunt and manda was epic, she ordered all our cupcakes in flawless french and she swung us out on a chandelier to ditch the check and she transformed into a sailor scout, but her uniform was black and white like a panda

so maybe its the jealous "scorned lover" thing in me, but it bugs me when he plays with liz, play with me dammit. is it because I'm not ditzy? because I dont squeal? because I dont come across as a child of 12?

Its so odd, I am your friend I do care for you  like I care for you like a real friend too, but I still have a few feelings, like I wouldnt reject you if you wanted to ask me out, but I'm not going to leave your side because we're not dating

80% friendship 20% date me!

but either way I care for you 100%  and I want you to play with me

I didnt bring these other kids for you to play with them, I brought them to test you. I brought them to see if you'd come and play with me if I run off from them

its all a illusion and you've only proven this once or twice

I dreamt that somehow there was a gay raping frankenstein monster loose in my house. and my youngest brother was following me around. I was in no danger of being raped by frankenstein but I had to watch where I went in the house because of the fact that my youngest brother was following me. lol

then I woke up and fell asleep again and I dreamt I was laying a in big bed in a castle with someone I really like, and it was niiiiice =). it wasn't weird of creepy, because in real life I dont like sharing a bed if it can be helped. I want that in real life

then I woke up yet again and fell asleep again and I dreamt that some doll came to life and a midget child but she thought one of my old roomates was her mother, and she was trying to sneak past midget godzilla(which is about 4 ft tall) to go to my old roomate

and then I dreamt manda were swimming in a great big pool of vanilla pudding and angie pulled the plug to our pool but we found old vhs tapes and childrens books and we were trying to clean the pudding off the books and tapes.

and then I dreamt I was at the anime club at chaffey and all these asian kids had intense gold-yellow eyes and they didn't get any of the jokes I was saying lol



epic dreaming and I loved it

BEST PICK UP LINE EVER

I want your double jepardy on my alex trebek


win

is it any wonder that some cultures ate their elderly?

before my grandfather passed away I could remember my father and his two brothers, helping him  upstairs to get a good shower nice clean clothes and shave and hair cut

they were all 40-45 and my grandfather was at least 72

now I know its not  my business, but I see my stepfather pushing his only two sons and his favorite brother away for little thing. MONEY
now i do love my step father but its not going to fall on me to care for this man when they begin to grow old. my mother will have me if she needs help

but when the time comes I just think it would be nice to know that he had two grown sons who could care for him. but whatever

I love my mom and step dad alot but their little lala land perception of themselves is going to leave them well off(not rich but they won't have to struggle) but friendless, without family ties, and alone in their own cloud of bullshit . when they grow old

Now I also love my step brothers too. my step father has completely ran off my eldest brother and I see how this next ship is going to sail

I don't wish bad things on people anymore, I pray for them to gain knowledge so they can realize and stop the situation
and thats what I pray for in this senario


hansel and gretel's dad let them go and they almost got cooked and eaten =/

I have like a 3-4 day affair with both sides of my family, meaning I get sick of them and I need to be out of their presence in 3 or 4 days


today started it out peacefully, singing songs about sandwhiches, catching up with some old friends and watching what I wanted to watch,
then my family started coming home, and 1 by 1 they make me a bit more angry, a bit more tense, a bit more ready to up and leave.

I was kind enough to let my auntie take my car to work because I wasn't going to use it today, she's 50 years old and always saying I'm irresponsible in one way or another. but she left the lights on in my car- drained my battery and LEFT MY CAR IN THE PARKING LOT OF HER JOB TWO CITIES OVER AND BRILLIANTLY PARKED IT IN A TIGHT SPOT SO IT CAN'T BE EASILY ACCESSED TO JUMP IT. and instead of trying to be nice to me with the given the circumstances. she bitches at me because I erased the extremely retarded and pointless tyra banks show off the tivo to watch something that wouldn't my my IQ fall 2 points


and I got up just to come and post on lj and get away from everyone in the den. the second I begin to move my grandma drills me. where are you going, what are you going to, what are you going on the computer for? like she didn't do it in a mean way at all, I'm sure she was just curious. BUT I  HATE THAT-especially when I'm JUST going into another room.

I don't go out and sleep around, or carouse all night long, I don't engage in illegal activities, no drugs, no heavy drinking, no hooking, I'm a good fucking girl and my family knows that thoroughly. so when I go out. if I don't tell you its because its not your damn business, I don't want you to know. you don't need to know. and you don't need to when I'm coming back. who I'm with or what the fuck I'll be doing.

and now the guy I'm falling for is coming to visit and he wants to see me. I can't get myself ready because I don't have my overnight bag, I left it in my car...two cities over. I don't have any make up because youngest cousin played in it. and even if I could get myself set to go. its hot I'll  be gross and sweaty, and MELT before I leave. because air condition is a sin

and even the one true shining knight that I always have, my daddy is fucking up today, he brought my dog to the park and in the car with no leash, collar or tag, so heaven forbid that my poor baby get lost somewhere, he won't have his name, number, or addy on him so someone can call us

I love them but I gotta get away

I'm a virgin, and I'm completely happy with that. I have only had TWO so called sexual expirinces in my life. and in retrospect one of them was more exploring my matured body than sexual. I have never even kissed a guy, other than like a quick grandma peck on the lips.


I've never been a person who wanted to have sex or be intimate or slutty going through puberty.
at best I'm a tease, because I do like to wear short skirts, low cut, fish net.  but its not a everyday thing at all.


why? because I'm immature and awkward. and yes I'm a 20 something college student who thinks, the actual act of sex, sexual organs, oral, anal, kissing, nakedness and etc its ....well icky

its grosss, I wanna scrinch my face up and go ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww like a little kid

from this point siting here right now I can 100% say I think I'd be fine if I never had sex or performed any sexual act. that would be  A okay for me.

I'm not a sexual person, but I am deep down a romantic person. I long to have companionship of someone I like or love. sitting holding each other, walking holding hands, laughing, laying in the bed watching a movie. DAMMIT I WANNA BE THAT BITCH IN LINE WHOSE BOYFRIEND IS HOLDING HER AROUND HER WAIST AND SHE'S BEAMING EAR TO EAR RUBBING IT IN EVERYONES FACE.

I like someone very much and I finally confessed to it, and I told him I was a virgin, and the whole shabang.
he likes me back. he thinks I'm charming, pretty, funny and badass.

just with me lacking in exp points and me having that immature aversion to sex and etc and my general awkwardness in uncomfortable situations. I don' t know.....
I know I like him enough to try, I know I like him enough to trust him, I know he'd be patience, kind, and gentle.
but I also know I don't want to try because its icky, its embarassing, its weird for me to be in a vulnerable position
I know that I want to try this with someone who loves and cares about me, someone who will be true to me.
and I can vouch for that(not the love part) but I can confidentally say he cares about me and he'd be true

(love is a strong word)


I've read extremely graphic yaoi, yea I'll admit, I watch porn and laugh at it. I've read a hentai mag or two(first was on accident) but ME; ME doing what I've seen is icky. me being touched by a naked person is gross, me thinking about a (I can't even say the word) pen15 is yucky
me doing ecchi things............is ewwwwwwwww Xp

thanks for the message angie it made my day =D

so I had a spiffy phone, that was great for texting and I washed because I forgot to check my pants pockets

so now I'm trying to buy on off of craigslist.

if you wanted to give me 100 bucks for something I don't use anymore, I'd be all over trying to get back to ASAP

but the people on craigslist, seem to only check their email like one random time a day.

0_o one guy checked his email at 4am and another lady takes 3 days to respond


gah just sell me a fucking phone,

my spiffy phone was from craigslist, and it took me, 1 hour to find the phone I want, text the person and he was cook enough to come to me the next morning, because he wanted his money. so he pounced when someone was offering

last week I turned in 8 applications

the week prior I went to a job fair

I stay up all night filling out applications

and all last month I was walking in filling in applications on the spot. along with homework

on the 31st I'm going to start going to rcc as well as keeping up with the artwork


I'm a artist, I'm not a traditional person, I'm not  going into a boring/average career,  I'm the only one in my family who draws and indulges in painting scuplting, comic book art, or industrial art and etc..........

so I'm not going to grow up just like the ones before me, you have to work with me here.

trust me, I do need a job  I want a job, but what I'm not going to do is be scolded like I'm just not trying. my family really does not know how I spend my time. and you know what, if  they want to think I just sleep and play video games let them. because they know nothing

they only know about my internship

they don't know about the scholarship I won the young black artist award out the other 80 people who entered
they don't  know that my first fully rendered animation is used on the offical school website.
that my character design teacher recomended to his company before I even turned in a mid term.
they don't  know that I could be a storyboard artist for fucking DREAMWORkS STUDIOS if I wanted to.
and to this day, the woman from the admissions of the art acdemy still calls and offers me, not a loan or a grant, but a full scholarship to stay in san fransisco  because she said I had the best begginers portfolio she's ever seen and that was 3 years ago

but its cool, its all good just let them think of me as sleepy, game playing ashley, because I don't think they really realized how things work in the world of art, animation, fine art

Tell me how the world can be a horrible AND wonderful place at the same time???


Two men walked into TGI FRIDAYS as I waited to get my to go order and one man excused himself to the restroom and the other one started talking to me, and he told me how nervous and happy he was to eat dinner tonight because he was going to propose that night.

He was sincere and you could just tell by the way he was fidgeting and trembling that his whole life was dependent on this moment, but he was very much in love.

Thats the wonderful part, that we as humans can LOVE SO DAMN MUCH AND SO DAMN STRONGLY, the horrible part of the world. is that instead of getting the pleasure to say "will you marry me?"

he had to ask "will you move out east with me?", where they honor gay marriages.

W T F

even moving out east, they're going to get funny stares, and disapproving looks because they are both men, THE PEOPLE WHO DO THIS ARE NOT GOING TO GIVE A FLYING FUCK ABOUT THE LOVE THEY SHARE


I loved my ex boyfriend so much, but he couldn't handle the pressure of interracial dating

WHY IS THERE LOVE IN THE WORLD IF ITS JUST GOING TO BE JUDGED?
GAY, LESBIAN, RACE, SOCIAL-STATUS, EVEN WEIGHT. THOSE TITLES DONT MATTER

JUST LET THE FUCKING HEART LOVE THE WAY IT WANTS WITHOUT DUMBASSED JUDGMENT

Beth ditto has a amazing voice, and she's not afraid to go up against skinny girls like Christina Aguilar she's quickly becoming my new role model and style icon because shes comfortable the way she is so many times has my own mother and various other people said its ugly to be overweight, but shit! this is the body I have, I like to eat and I like the way I look beth ditto did a nude shoot, and she wasn't scared of the negativity it was going to garner at all, she said she loved herself and fuck anyone who couldn't appreciate the confidence and with that her best shot graced the cover of love http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3623/3387053352_23bba3d425.jpg and she has a line of plus size cotour clothes and they are too die f

tell me really what can a 21 year old college student, who is well read, and has great insight on political and scientific things have in common with a rude and vulgar and crass 17 year old high school student?

call me a big baby but I like the little jonas brothers show, and hell I like the jonas brothers they are cute.

So I'm hoping that I can get my own apartment soon, if everything can work out I will happen, but not soonish, probably like dec09-feb2010


but I was just thinking about the actual apartment for squids and giggles

and where ever I live I want bath tub that I can hang a shower curtain on, and not a enclosed shower.

because they make flcl shower curtains in japan



and I'm beginning to miss IE because fire fox is laggy

we're all pretty fashionable here so I figured I'd share this amazing link I stumbledupon

http://divalookbook.com/


I've only been on once but its safe to say I LOVE IT